That Tiny Voice

Perhaps I should back track. 

A month or so ago I decided to quit my job. It was a contract job, but a full time one. There were many reasons I stepped away, but it's not important. I've moved on. This month though. That's where I've been, what I'm in. Not working has been great and it's been really hard.

It's been hard because I love to work. God has blessed me with a heavy dose of anxiety that keeps me on the move - body and mind, always going. And when I'm not working and am forced to slow down, well, that feels crazy. I just want to be doing stuff. 

The thing is when I'm doing stuff I'm not hearing stuff. You know like that tiny voice inside that seems to say all the things that are true. I can't hear it. And that's a problem. When I can't hear that voice I walk into things I shouldn't. I pursue opportunities and people that aren't worth my time. I waste time. This is dangerous for me. For my spirit, for my purpose.  

"Not everyone deserves a seat at your table." I read that recently and I think there's some truth in it. Deserve is a tough word for me though. I want to experience everything. I want to meet all kinds of people. I want to let it all in. I think, "Who am I to say what or who is deserving?" But really, who am I to not? My spirit is precious, worthy of protecting.

Yours is, too. It's all you've got. 

WHY NOT NOW?

Start today, tomorrow may never come.

My plan has been to relaunch this blog/website in the New Year. But I don't want to do that. I can't wait. I want to write now. And why not now? 

Why not now? Well. For one, the site isn't done. And two, I don't know who I want to be. Yeah. I've been hesitating to act because I don't know who I am or what I want to do. As if the point of having a blog is to sell whoever I think I am that day. That's not the point. At all.

I am a lot of things. I know that's not what the world wants me to be. The world wants me to be one thing. Well, I'm not and I never have been. And it just so happens that the thing I am now is a bit lost and a lot hopeful. And that happens to be the perfect thing to write about.

I suppose that a new start in a new year felt like something to me. Something fresh, something good. But waiting to start goes against my philosophy of 'start today'. You don't wait. You start. Now. Because tomorrow may never come. And because you have so many stories to tell. And because who you are doesn't really matter. Not really. It doesn't. 

So hi, world. I'm back. I'm so looking forward to doing this. Let's do it.